What is “hot”???

Jessy, 15, Female, United States

With the heteronormativity that’s impounded into us, I’ve gone most of my life assuming I was straight. Everyone I’d ever liked was a boy, so naturally I was heterosexual, that’s just how I assumed it worked.

I didn’t really start to notice a difference in me compared to others until around sixth or seventh grade. It was about the time all the girls started to get noticeable boobs and boys learned there was more to their penises than peeing and people were beginning to embrace the lack of clothing associated with summer. Girls wore bikinis and the boys worked out to get abs and everyone thought everyone looked “hot.”

I never understood “hot.” No one had used hot before and it didn’t make sense. It was clearly not synonymous with “cute” or “pretty” or “handsome”, and it seemed to be extremely associated with people’s bodies. I thought maybe I’d get it later on, I went through middle school, started high school and then everything was so much more… there.

“Hot” was accompanied by “sexy” which made even less sense. I could acknowledge someone has a gorgeous face or is well dressed or fits their general look, but anything associated with the attractiveness of ones body was so weird to me.

The first couple months of sophomore year lunch were spent being bombarded by shirtless football boys coming inside for lunch whilst trying to beat the heat for as long as possible. My friends  (those attracted to males, I mean) would immediately drop the conversation and very obviously stare at the boys’ open chests. I would have to sit and wait for everyone to re-dress so I could get back to the topic at hand.

I had known the term asexuality from Tumblr, and other sites, but had never looked into what is was but that was about the time I did. I ran across it reading and decided maybe it would be good to familiarize myself with it. And then it was me. Just this was what I was. It all made sense.

Of course I questioned stuff for a long time, I wasn’t really sure if it was me, it felt suspicious; I identified with it too well.

But recently I’ve just completely embraced it, and I’ve read all sorts of articles and forums on AVEN. The entire community is so wonderful, and I’ve found people who I identify and even if I’ll never understand what “hot” is, I’ve found lots of other people who don’t either.

It’s kind of amazing.