Four Friends, Four Sexualities

Veronica, 22, female, Canada

My group of friends has a wide variety of sexual orientations: E is a lesbian, M is a hypersexual heterosexual, A is bisexual, and I am asexual.

Now, the four of us have been best friends since the 7th grade (we were about 12 years old when we first met). Throughout all of high school, I watched from the sidelines as my friends dated girls, as they dated guys, as they dated older people and younger people. It was just me who sat on the sidelines without really wanting a relationship with anyone in our class.

During our first year of university, we parted ways, E going to a different university to M and I, whereas A chose to not continue with post-secondary education. It was January when the four of us met up to celebrate E’s 19th birthday. As the night progressed, we all had a couple of drinks in us, and the conversation turned to sexual orientation. E and A were out of the closet by then, and we knew that M’s habits in the bedroom were *ahem* frequent.

So I mustered up all the courage I had in me and told them that I was asexual and that I had no interest in a sexual relationship with any gender.

E and M both laughed at me. They told me that it was only because I’d never dated anyone. That it was because I was a virgin. That I had never had any experience. That I hadn’t found the “right one”. All the typical reactions to an asexual coming out of the closet.

When we all went to our respective houses, I felt betrayed; here were the three people that were supposed to support me and love me because they were my friends, and they were telling me that what I was feeling was unnatural. You would think that E would have known how it would feel to be told that she was wrong in her feelings towards her girlfriend, especially since we were both from super conservative families.

I received a text from A in the wee hours of the morning. In it, she told me that she couldn’t sleep because of the way that E and M reacted to my coming out. She told me that she still loved me, and that to her, my asexuality was pretty obvious. She didn’t need extra time to figure out how she felt about my sexuality; it was something that didn’t directly impact her, but since it was an important topic to me, it was important to her.

I’ve since lost contact with E; she took me to three or four passion stores and offered to buy me something to fix me, but I refused every single time. She started calling me, seeing if I wanted to go to a passion party, or to some sort of event that would ultimately “fix me”. I started screening her calls, and I haven’t heard from her in almost a year.

I still go to school with M. She doesn’t waste a minute when we’re alone to bring up either my asexuality or my self-harm. I’ve stopped texting her because every time I do, she either talks non-stop about the sex she’s having with her boyfriend, or non-stop about how having a boyfriend would fix me.

A has almost fallen off the earth. I don’t know where she’s at, but every once in a while, I’ll get an email from her about the latest kdrama, or the newest kpop scandal. It’s a good thing we’re both obsessed!

As for me, I’ve made new friends, Bug and S, who are completely understanding. They ask questions about anything they don’t understand; Bug looked into terminology and questions me on whether it applies to my personal label or not. S doesn’t ask too much about it, although it might come up when we go out to a bar or a club. I told her that Tutti Frutti beats having sex any day.

As for experiences, I’m going to keep those to myself. I’d rather not air out any dirty laundry for the neighbours to see, if you know what I mean.