Discovering my Asexuality, Self-Doubt, and Where I am Now

L-Silvermoon, female, Australia.

I identify as a biromantic asexual.

For a really long time I thought I was heterosexual. Then I thought I was bisexual. I had the occasional crush when I was growing up – the first in grade five – and still do. But I’m fairly sure “crush” means a different thing to me than my friends.

I believe that the reason I identified as someone with sexual attraction for so long is the group of friends I had in high school. No-one talked about sex in our group; it was people gushing over appearances, or voices, or personalities. Or at least, they never talked about it with me. So I went through high school, never realising that people desired sex at that age (or I did know; but it was only in the abstract).

The first time I heard the word asexual was in maybe grade 12, a joke (or intuitive comment?) from a friend, which I almost immediately dismissed/forgot about. And then I joined tumblr, finding the asexual community there. As I researched more, I realised how this identity coincided with my own behaviour. It also became more obvious as I was surrounded by people in real life and on tumblr who discuss their sexual attraction more openly than my high school friends.

I’ve only told a few friends. Those that follow me on tumblr know, and one friend is openly supportive in real life (even going as far as explaining asexuality to other people). I don’t necessarily know what everyone thinks, but none of them have denied my experience in front of me. I haven’t told my family. Because of a deer-in-the-headlights reaction to a “what, are you gay?” (a response to me trying and failing to stop someone from making homophobic jokes) two of my family members think I’m bisexual. My mum is cool with that, which I knew she probably would be. But I don’t know how she would react if I told her I was ace, and only biromantic. So I’m not telling any relatives any time soon.

I still doubt myself. Do people really think about sex that much? Maybe I am just bisexual? As a side effect of discussions on tumblr about asexuality, I end up thinking more about sex than I ever have in my life. I’m thinking a lot about sex, does that mean I’m sexual, unlike what I thought? Am I sure that what I’m feeling is aesthetic/romantic attraction, not sexual? How am I even supposed to tell? What does sexual attraction even feel like?

But again, I’m really thinking about it in the abstract. Even when I think about me and sex, I don’t really imagine it. Sex squicks me out. [Other people’s] genitalia makes me uncomfortable. My most risqué dream is briefly kissing a girl (just a peck) and getting really embarrassed. I have never once thought “I’d do them” about a good-looking person. So even with my doubts, I think I’m comfortable using this label as an anchor to support me as I navigate the world of sexual attraction.

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  1. Pingback: The Invisible Identities | 5arahca5m

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