Jose, male, 20, Peru.
I started questioning my sexuality back in my first years of high school, when lots of my classmates suddenly got girlfriends (I should add that I attended an all-boys school) that they would brag about. They obviously had a different and “better” status now that they were not single: they weren’t little kids anymore. Most of these relationships were really fleeting as they were only based on looks and popularity. I should also add that there was an all-girls school close to mine, which made dating and the whole process or relationships easier. Even though I barely talked to any of the girls there, I did know who the “popular” ones were as my classmates would always talk about them. I started to wonder why those relationships had to be so shallow and not based on love, which obviously made no sense for someone who naively believed in that love you see in those good movies (aka me).
I felt pretty awkward and left-out when most classmates would talk about which girl they found hotter, which one was the “easiest,” etc. My idea of attraction or love didn’t really go that way, I was more focused on finding another girl like me, someone quiet yet kind who valued the inside rather than the outside. Sex wasn’t even on my mind; I actually felt pretty disgusted by the whole idea of being naked with another naked person. Obviously it didn’t help that the “popular” guys would make fun of these quiet girls, saying some of them were ugly, that they were “nobody” and it wasn’t worth hanging out with them.
As time went by I gradually accepted the fact that I could also have a relationship with someone of the same gender. I never really felt attracted (physically or emotionally) to any of the friends I had because I felt there had to be a special bond first, which never happened; let alone to my other classmates, who had totally different personalities and opposite views on life.
Once college started I made new friends, which included a girl who I stayed close with. I was pretty amazed at how similar we were, how we liked the same music, how we laughed at the same jokes, etc. We would talk a lot and hang out as well, all by ourselves. It had never crossed my mind that we were dating, we were just hanging out, and sharing nice moments. Everyone would suspect and said that we both liked each other, and stuff like that (people never seem to believe in friendship between a guy and a girl). Nevertheless, I started to like her. I was not in love, but I really liked her as a friend and enjoyed her company a lot. We would talk more, hang out more… I gradually became more disappointed when I got to know her more, though. I realized she wasn’t the person I used to know in the beginning, and whenever we talked, we didn’t really talk about deeper things (e.g: what we wanted to do in the future, what made us happy, etc.) but more about petty matters. We gradually drifted apart because I somehow felt lied to, on how she was showing another side of her I didn’t even know existed. We’re still “friends”, and occasionally talk, but again, always about petty matters, not really about deeper things.
I also met an asexual friend in college, but I misunderstood the meaning of that word. I’d always thought it meant someone who did not want any type of relationship with anyone whatsoever. It wasn’t until some time (and recently) that I decided to find out more about who I really was and surprise! I was a biromantic asexual. I just wished I could’ve asked this friend more about asexuality, but either way I feel happy now that I really know who I am.
Despite not having had any luck in love, I’d like to believe that one day I will bond with the right person and eventually will have someone to love.
Wish you all good luck and don’t be ashamed of who you are!