A Rambling Attempt

Kayla, female, 13.

My story isn’t sweeping like some of the stories from asexual spectrum people. It’s not sad and doesn’t contain anything particularly life changing. I haven’t met many major obstacles. My story isn’t even finished yet. In fact, it’s barely started. I can’t even be sure my story belongs here. Yet here I am, and I hope that my story will be useful to you.

I’m 13 and sheltered. I’m a girl. If my parent found out I was writing this they would probably be mad at me, for the fact that I found the time to write this when I “shouldn’t” be thinking about such things. For the fact that I used a name much too close to my real one and gave where I lived and my age. For the things that I plan to write about here that they would like to know but I don’t feel safe enough to tell them.

If you wanted to know my orientation I couldn’t tell you because I don’t know myself. It’s a big mess made complicated by my want to classify things, my age, and so many other factors. My journey of self-exploration hasn’t even reached it’s first road-marker about orientation yet. I can tell you that I’m probably not heterosexual. I’m also probably not just straight up homosexual homoromantic either. Things like aesthetic attraction and platonic attraction just make the whole process more complicated.

I’m not here to talk about my current status as questioning and why I can’t just settle down with one label, though. I’m here to write about how identifying as asexual (spectrum) has affected me.

Let’s talk about my family first. I’m pretty open with them. My mom thinks that I’m much too young to even be thinking about things such as this, and pretty much discounts most things I say regarding the possibility of me being asexual and maybe even – perish the thought – aromantic! My dad doesn’t honestly know much about it. I can say he thinks I’m heterosexual, though, due to mere probability. I don’t talk much with my brother, especially about this subject, but I’m pretty sure if he had to guess he’d say I’m a lesbian, which with only two options (hetero- and homo-) would actually be the correct choice.

My friends? To my knowledge they don’t care. One of my friends knows I have a sort of squish/crush – that for some reason I seem reluctant to just call a crush, but they don’t know why – on a girl. Another one of my friends has probably caught on that I identify as something asexual related, as I’ve shown her asexual things and made no effort to conceal the fact that I related with those things. She’s also the friend that I have a sort of squish on, oops. That’s all the positive things in the friend section though. I can say that one of my friends said that she would be weirded out if any of her friends were lesbians. I’m not really sure if I count, but for what she was going for, probably. I apologize to this friend, turns out the only person you mentioned that to was, in fact, pretty close to lesbian.

I haven’t had any major negative experiences. To be honest I haven’t had that many experiences at all. I only recently figured out I preferred girls to boys. I only recently figured out that I can’t imagine having sex and kissing someone due to some interest on my part. I can’t figure out the difference between romantic and platonic things. I have trouble categorizing and understanding things like this, and it frustrates me. Asexual gray-aromantic? Asexual demi-homoromantic? Gray-asexual and gray-aromantic? Autochorissexual Lithromantic? It’s getting pretty consistent for me to label as at least asexual spectrum, which is why I finally decided to write this story.

I’m sorry that this wasn’t a journey. It’s mostly me rambling and failing to get my point across. My writing teacher always said that the point of a story or an essay is to move the reader. To take them on a journey. I can’t say that I succeeded on that, but hopefully I managed to convey something. Thank you for taking the trouble to read the ramblings of a confused 13 year old child.