My Ascent Into Queerness

Kayla, female, 20, United States.

I never really cared about dating when I was younger. I was literally the only person in the sixth grade at my elementary school who still thought kissing was gross. And I kept that mentality until ninth grade (though in the seventh grade I agreed to be someone’s girlfriend, but ran away and never spoke to him again afterward). My older sister loved telling everyone the reason I didn’t want a boyfriend was because I was still in the “boys are icky” phase. Everyone laughed when she said that and I thought it was true: I was told I would grow out of it, that I was just a late bloomer.

Then in the tenth grade, I started dating (if you can even call it that) my childhood friend, but we didn’t get to see each other much since I moved (back in the eighth grade). When we did get to hang out, it never felt like dates, it felt like hanging out with a friend. I guess that should’ve been my first clue. But anyway, I was over at his house one night and we were watching movies and I was singing along to Glee and then he tried to kiss me. I knew it was coming and kept my face down. I guess he took it as me being nervous, because he didn’t try again. But a few months later we broke up after a fight and I haven’t talked to him since. Now that I can look back on it, that freak out I had when he tried to kiss should’ve been my second clue.

I got my third clue a few months after making my tumblr. I was about eighteen and scrolling my summer away, when I saw a post that said “there is a difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to them.” That post made me have an existential crisis, I swear to God! I didn’t know that could be a thing! Every time one of my sisters saw a hot guy, they talked about wanting to kiss him and get frisky! I knew about lesbians obviously, so I just assumed that when a woman called another woman beautiful, she wanted to kiss her and get frisky. That post got me thinking and doing research, and thank God it did. I owe the person who made it a lot.

A few days after seeing that post I saw another one that got me thinking, “There’s a difference between liking someone and liking the attention they give you.” I’ve been flirted with a lot in my lifetime, but I have never wanted to date the guys. This post told me why.

So after a few more weeks of research and asking questions, I still wasn’t 100% sure but I told my mother anyway. Biggest mistake of my life! She literally rolled her eyes and told me that I only think that because I don’t go out much. I got defensive (of course I did) and told her what I did know about asexuality and why I think it applied to me. More eye-rolling, but this time she told me to just “tell guys that I was not interested instead of throwing my sexuality out there.” Last time I talked to her for a few days.

Next person I told was my older sister. Second biggest mistake! She laughed for a good minute and flat out told me no I wasn’t because asexual is a science term not a sexuality. I tried explaining it to her, but she wasn’t listening. Last time I talked to her for a few days.

About two weeks later, I was at my oma’s (grandmother’s) house. My mom and I were fighting day and night, so I was helping my oma move into her new house. Her comments hurt the most, because I’m really close to my oma. She scoffed and said “No you’re not; you’ll find someone when you get older.” She was the last person I came out to verbally until summer, when I told one of my aunts (it was January then).

I was beyond hurt and angry about all of these comments, and not just because my family wouldn’t listen and try to educate themselves. It also had a lot to do with the fact that my older sister was struggling with her sexuality too at the time (she’d fallen for another woman) and literally the entire family was really accepting and trying to help. I’m over here swallowing my tears and rage at being scuffed at, and there was my sister being hugged and assured that it was okay. It still makes me cry thinking about it. I told my mom about how I was feeling, but she didn’t say anything. Luckily I had tumblr and my best friend there to talk to, right?

Anyway, I followed a lot of asexual blogs on tumblr and continued to ask questions and figure myself out and eventually started identifying as aromantic asexual. That was about two years ago, and then close to a month ago I realized that maybe I might be something else.

You see I feel sick when I think about getting frisky with anyone; it makes me incredibly uncomfortable to think about someone touching me or me touching them that way. But I have no problem reading and watching porn (though video porn is really boring) – I’d write it too if my smut attempts didn’t suck ass (pun not intended). I masturbate (I couldn’t admit to that until literally two months ago, and I started at like thirteen I think). “Two months ago” is important though, because that’s when I discovered that I’m grey-asexual. I only feel sexual attraction sometimes. And as weird and messed-up as it is, I know that I’m sexually attracted to the thought of my ships going at it like rabbits. That is strange as shit.

Now, I didn’t just discover that I was grey-asexual two months ago. I also discovered that I might be demiromantic (leaning toward homo-demiromantic, since I feel more emotionally close to girls than I do guys), because I think I might be in love with my best friend. I really have no idea and we joke about being in love with each and being each other’s platonic soulmate all the time so I don’t think I’ll ever know. And I’m okay with that, because as long as she’s in my life I’m happy.

Anyway, I haven’t come out really as a demiromantic (leaning toward homo-demiromantic) grey-asexual to anyone but myself and my best friend. I don’t think I’ll ever tell my family or other friends though, because most of them weren’t aware that asexuality is even a thing and none of them really know that sexuality is fluid. So because I made a “huge deal” about being asexual, for me to say something my family will take as almost the complete opposite is just asking for painful comments. And I’ve learned not to discuss my sexuality with my family. I’m only out to a few family members (the ones mentioned above and my little sister) and all they do is roll their eyes and pretend to accept me – no sorry, my mother pretends to accept me, everyone else is convinced I’ll grow out of it.

But aside from all the family drama, I’m trying to be a good advocate for my community by educating people around me (I wrote an essay for English about the different way asexuals and allosexuals view the relationship between love and sex; I got a good grade on it).

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