Content note: this story includes references to threats of sexual violence.
Laura, female, 23, Latvia.
I have been asexual my whole life, since the age of five. I always felt different from others. I thought that I was sick, that there was something wrong with me, and that I was the only one on this planet who felt like this. I grew older and nothing changed. I was never interested in boys more than just friends. I never imagined how would it feel to have sex with a guy; I never said: “oh, that guy is hot.” All my classmates talked about boys and relationships. I was always bored and had nothing to say about this topic at all! Sometimes I felt very uncomfortable, but most of the time like I just did not fit in.
I remember one boy from my neighbourhood who obviously had a crush on me. We spent a lot of time together, and he was a couple years older than me. This one day is imprinted in my memory so well: we were sitting on a tree, playing, talking and he always had this weird look on his face. He was smiling a lot, always trying to touch me, to be close to me as possible. I liked him, but just as a friend. So he made something for me out of leaves, and when he presented it to me he leaned so close and looked to me with those cute puppy eyes and was blushing. I said thank you and drew back. I felt uncomfortable. If I were a sexual person, I guess that would be my first kiss, but I wasn’t even thinking about kissing him, although I really liked him. I saw that he was upset and hurt and I couldn’t really understand why. It was from that day on in particular that I realized I felt things differently to other people.
Since then I have had a few friendships with guys, but those all ended very fast, because I refused to have sex with them. Sex has always been a huge issue! They all thought that I was just pretending to be inaccessible, and that I was just teasing them. One of them said that if I didn’t sleep with him, he was going to rape me one day. I felt like sex was the only thing they could think about. All I wanted was to build emotional connection, but they were thinking only about sex. It was so painful. So I stopped dating guys. But it was kind of my fault too, because I just dated the wrong guys.* At least now I know that for me it is impossible to build a friendship or a relationship with a sexual guy.
I’m already 23, but I’ve only been familiar with the term asexuality for about five months now. I was talking to this one girl on tumblr; she was the first one who mentioned the word asexuality. It was the most wonderful and emotional day of my life! I will always be very thankful to her.
Although I’m quite new to AVEN I admire and support David Jay for educating and helping people. In my opinion, visibility is very important for those people like us who have felt alone and misunderstood. It’s important for asexual people to understand that there’s nothing wrong with them, that they do not have to have sex only because other people do!
I feel more comfortable and confident about myself now that I know who I really am! And I’m sure that one day I will find the right guy for me.
Visit this contributor’s site here.
*The Asexual Story Project would like to note that emotional or physical abuse in a relationship (or otherwise) is never the victim’s fault.