Anonymous, female, 15, Canada.
I’m a fifteen year old girl, which is a pretty typical age for a lot of people to start considering more in depth what they would like to describe themselves as as, well, a person. Personally, I’ve never been open about my sexuality. Not in a way that I’m embarrassed about it, but in a way that the opportunity to express myself sexually or romantically hasn’t even been presented. For me, it’s been more about finding a ‘box’ with a label or a category or whatever else it is that I feel like I can fit into so I don’t have to take forever to explain myself if I’m ever asked (as I’m going to go ahead and do right now).
I remember going through middle school telling myself I was bisexual, but refusing to actually say anything about it because I never had a reason to. I found myself not developing crushes on people, but finding both males and females (keeping in mind I hadn’t considered the possibility of other orientations at this point because of my small not-so diverse town) attractive. It never proved a problem to me because I never got in the expected relationship drama that generally happens to everybody during middle school.
Just before getting into high school I began having really negative feelings towards relationships and absolutely hated the idea of being in love with someone. Over the summer, I had begun hanging out with a childhood friend of mine who had just come out as gay, and I was very frustrated because I found myself weirdly attracted to him. The frustrating part wasn’t the fact he’d refuse me if I told him, but the fact that it was the strangest feeling. Sensual attraction, I guess, in a word. It was like I had fallen in platonic love and I didn’t have a chance. Just the same, I could and still do fully expect that he isn’t and won’t be attracted to me. It was a stupid love story and made me fall into loathing with the feelings I associated with liking someone. I was set on going into my new school without a sexuality, even though I never ended up sharing any of these thoughts with anybody. At this point, I guess people just assumed I wasn’t ready for a relationship yet, and a part of me just accepted that as right.
When I became more involved in online communities and got introduced to and intrigued by broader identities such as transgendered people and transvestites and even gender-fluid people, I found myself relating really strongly to these people who were not cisgender, in a way I still can’t explain despite my obvious love for descriptions. I was also, at this point, introduced to sexuality outside of the basic ‘rainbow’ which people always picture. In an art term comparison, I’d say they had more value, more shades. I accepted what it was; I just didn’t want to have any kind of sexual relation with anybody. I remember lying in my bed at night trying to find a box and realizing, hey. Maybe I’m asexual.
At first, the concept seemed strange and even unlikely to me because I knew I could experience sexual pleasure (yes, we’re getting into that now). I’d assumed lack of sexual attraction also meant lack of sexual everything. I did my research, though, and found that I could easily identify myself as grey-sexual or something in that area.
Now, I am comfortable in admitting I wouldn’t mind being a virgin forever. Hell, I haven’t even kissed anybody. I am also comfortable in admitting to my love of smutty fan fiction. I am very okay in this, and also in the fact that I don’t need it physically in real life. As for the romantic attractions I felt and still feel? I’ve settled into a self declared pan-romantic title. Love is love, and even though I don’t like coming to terms with drama and whatnot that seems to always be paired with it, who you may happen to love isn’t really a choice.
I still haven’t been able to fully confront people about my own special grey-sexual, pan-romantic box, and something inside me knows I would be much happier as gender fluid. To just erase sexuality completely from my life. But, despite my bragging about my apparent comfortableness in who I am, I can’t seem to find the right moment to come out and admit it. I don’t want people to care what gender I am. I currently have a dumb crush on a girl. I would happily pleasure somebody, but I don’t want to have sex. I wouldn’t mind never being in a sexual relationship. I’d be just as happy a boy as who I am now. I have massive penis-envy. I like penises. And want one. I mean, sorry if I’m getting off track but have you seen penises?
In the end, these are all things I’m slowly coming to terms with and in the long run will not be ashamed of, especially with the acceptance I know my friends will have. But first, the opportunity to share this with my in real life peers and family just hasn’t reared its welcome head.
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