megsblood, female, United States.
Middle school, in a lot of ways, is worse than High School. You’re expected to know exactly who you are when a lot of issues are just being brought to your attention to think about. One of these was sexuality. Everyone already knew their label; straight, lesbian, bi. It wasn’t like anyone cared what you were as long as you had picked one. I never really told anyone because I never dated, but I chose bi as my label. I figured since I was equally uninterested in both sexes that was right, but it didn’t feel like it at all. But everyone else knew, so of course I should know too. Besides, what other options were there? I couldn’t let anyone know that I didn’t feel like I fit. That would have been too weird.
I thought maybe I’d mature into it. Sex had always been an uncomfortable topic to me, the thought of just… being with someone like that? Gross. Maybe I just hadn’t matured yet and would figure it out as I got older. High school came, but that wasn’t the case. I didn’t fit, and it wasn’t that I was concerned with having my label, but I wanted to know I wasn’t weird. I always remembered how when I was little my mom told me once that, “if you don’t start wanting it once you’re older something’s wrong.” I didn’t want something to be wrong with me!
I was so happy when I did feel attracted to somebody! …Except for the fact that that person was my best friend whom I’d known since kindergarten. I didn’t want to make things weird, and I wouldn’t want an actual romantic relationship with her. So why was I attracted to her? It was completely platonic and that’s all I wanted. That only managed to confuse me even more! It seemed the only people I was ever attracted to were my closest, platonic, friends. I never let them know because that seemed weird too. I just couldn’t ever be normal in my sexuality for some reason. I decided the best thing to do would be to not think about it and carry on with my life, and that worked to an extent, though whenever it came to the subject of sex (wither it be during health class or vulgar jokes at lunch) I felt extremely uncomfortable.
One day I was on tumblr and I found a post about the “badges of sexualities” or something close to that and I was in shock. There were more possible sexualities?! I read the little blurbs on the post and one stood out to me. Demisexual. It said something about only being sexually attracted to someone you’ve already formed emotional bonds with. That was actually a thing?! I googled it, spent hours reading about it, took quizzes even though I was already sure, for once a sexuality actually felt right to me, but I was in so much shock that it couldn’t be true that I took the quizzes anyway.
It’s not like in middle school when I thought I needed my label or whatever. This was such a big deal to me because it made me feel right in myself. I felt comfortable in my own skin on this topic, which was never true before. I just wish that society would be more aware of the non-main sexualities because I don’t want to think that there are other young girls and guys out there trying to find their way and figure things out and not knowing that they’re not weird or odd or wrong when it comes to their sexuality. Because not knowing what you are, and not knowing that there are actually others like you, can make someone very uncomfortable in their own skin.
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